I Broke

I am parenting my little love alone.
I got sick to the point of bronchitis, wheezing and a lost voice and now my kidney labs are off.

People have been throwing me under the bus at work to cover for them not doing their work.
I haven’t had any work so I have had to work with other parts of my team to feel valuable since every job I’ve applied for has resulted in a no, loss of funding for the yes, or a not right now.
We had furloughs this year when I need my paycheck to be predictable.
And need I say the other things going bonkers?
So I asked God why did all these things happen to me. No audible answer, at least that I could hear with all that has gone on. So I got quiet after I stopped crying and then I felt this tug to pray for myself and speak to God.

This year has been beyond challenging to say the least. My One Word for this year is resurrection, and while God has definitely resurrected my hope and desire for certain things, I would say the greater purpose of this year has been in breaking me of self-reliance. I am a very strong person and because of life and the things I have experienced, I have come to not trust many people and to solely rely on myself. In fact, I only talk to two people regularly about the intricacies of my life (definitely not a bad thing), but sometimes, it is a true struggle to even get to that place of telling them how I really feel.

As a result of this breaking, I see what I perceive as chaos in many areas of my life. Being transparent here, nothing is going how I want it to go. While I have seen the answers to prayers I have prayed begin to manifest, the only people I can liken myself to right now are Joseph and Job. Like Joseph, I feel some things have happened to me unjustly and like Job, I really do not understand the purpose. The struggle and strife I feel has brought me to tears many days and nights this year. My only source of joy aside from the natural happiness I have is my son. When I get pummeled at work, picking him up in the evenings has turned my frown and weariness into laughter. When others only call me for themselves, his now waving hands and happy face restore the joy I lost. His laughter and random dancing (very much my child LOL) has brought me from the sadness I felt at my present circumstances.

All of that worked until I got sick 3 weeks ago. I knew I wasn’t feeling like myself and I went to the doctor. The oversight of that doctor led to 2 additional appointments and two rounds of antibiotics, extreme sinus pressure and pain, loss of my voice and the last 3 weeks of recovery. I had to step back from everything I thought I was supposed to be doing. I was so tired physically and mentally that I cried out to God because I did not understand why it was allowed to happen or what I was supposed to learn. Getting sick broke me.

I’ve asked God what I was supposed to learn from all of this. The only thing I can think of is that I had become so self-reliant that I was not relying on God. I was not listening to His promptings for me to come closer and to rest. I had forgotten that He is my source. I was not listening to my body like I normally do. I was overextending myself to everyone and everybody like always that I did not fully extend myself to God. Sure I was praying and interceding, something I always do, but I was not praying for myself or praying to hear God speak however He chose. It took me getting sick that I learned I could not do this again. So I broke.

Maybe this happened so that I could remember that no thing or no person is my source. Maybe this happened so that I could quiet my mind and hear what God wanted me to hear. Maybe this happened so I could see what God was showing me about others. Maybe this happened so that I could recognize how the enemy was attacking me. Whatever the reason, it showed me that no matter what, I had to talk to God to hear Him for me and whatever He wants to say. I saw I needed to take a step back and honor God for those He put in my life to genuinely be there for me. I saw that I needed to rest. I saw that I needed to cover myself. I saw that many of the things that happened were beyond my control for a reason…for me to surrender again to God.

Sometimes life goes crazy in every way imaginable. You lose your job or it gets threatened. Your finances get attacked by everything, unexpected bills, furloughs, and rate increases. Your health gets off kilter or physically you are depleted. Your relationships are in peril. Mentally you feel like the world is spinning around you. But could it be that when life goes crazy, that God is calling you into a deeper place? Could it be that He wants you to allow the turmoil, the chaos, and disasters to force you to silence the noise and listen intently to His voice? Like with Elijah, God still speaks sometimes in the still, small voice that you have get quiet enough to hear.

❤️ Marquita