Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3
Today I got a revelation from God. It came in the sweetest package: my son.
I smile and laugh so many times a day now…and it’s not forced. All I have to do is think about my little love bug’s newest antics. I stare at him in his sleep. I hug him so tightly and cry. And I have grown so much! I have healthy boundaries now. I am content not nurturing certain relationships now because of their effects on me. I am conscious of my energy and feelings. I speak up for myself more. I am more affectionate and loving. I am more aware of the words I say and their effect. I don’t engage in certain types of conversations around my baby and I try to avoid them altogether. I sing and dance all the time (not really much different for me, but it is what I sing — Baby Signing Time). I am content being home sitting on the floor playing and being his balance as he stands. I don’t answer my phone often or feel obligated to answer anymore. I am getting better with patience. I am fiercely protective — Mama Bear status. I temporarily lose my phone all the time now. I only take a few selfies here and there because I would rather record my baby or snap pictures with him. I’m much more private and I really learned to shut up. I try to address things I discover in myself immediately now. I have peace in trusting God’s timing for my life instead of trying to force things to happen. I don’t worry about other people’s opinions of me or how they think I should live my life. I don’t waste my words on those that won’t hear or heed them. So I pray more often, harder, and more passionately, for him, myself and others. And I have never been as genuinely happy as I am now in my entire life. At least that I can remember. I was sometimes a sad person but I just kept pressing because I always believed that things had to get better someday. I thought my life was supposed to be hard, that I had unknowingly done something to deserve all the pain I experienced in life. I now know it is merely part of the calling as a Christian but even more so due to my calling in life. Some of us are just dealt difficult hands, and if you have faith, those hands will ultimately draw you closer to God and will be used for His glory.
I must be honest and say I was not sure how an unplanned pregnancy would glorify God. I was not sure how someone like me — someone with a calling to preach and other giftings — would glorify God in being a single parent. The further I got along in my pregnancy God began to give me a glimpse. I knew without a doubt I had to heal and put boundaries in place to maintain my healing. I still allowed myself to be a victim to my past and to the manipulation of others. Growing another life and being solely responsible for him meant I had to deal with all I could before he got here. His life meant I needed to confront my issues with affection. His life meant I needed to tell people how I want to raise him — knowing his grandfather is his guardian angel and that his grandfather is where his middle name comes from, knowing his great-grandfather and soaking up his love and wisdom, knowing he is a man of integrity, an heir, royalty, and that he is loved. His life means empowering his yes and his no by empowering my own. His life meant letting go of toxic relationships regardless of who they were to me. His life meant I needed to address the issues that would keep me from loving him how he needs to be loved, not what I wish I had received. His life meant taking a hard look at myself and trusting that God entrusted him to me and that God put everything I needed in me to raise him. His life meant I had to be content with hurting people’s feelings if it meant protecting my peace and the sanctity of our home. His life meant I had to be okay with letting relationships that were sucking the life out of me die. His life meant and means everything.
And so today I realized that in the months since my blessing was born, I learned to love. I cry daily at the magnitude of the love I have for him. I laugh because I think of a conversation I had with a former co-worker back in 2014 or 2015. He told me that I would love my own child a million times over the love I had for my nieces and man was he right!! I realized I was incapable of loving the husband I was praying for at that time because I had a tainted view of marriage. I was broken and in having my son, I fought and am still fighting to be whole. I realized that I was impatient and my impatience led to disobedience. I realized that the things I speak and affirm over my son daily I had not believed for myself. I realized that I had trust issues. I realized that I still struggled with people pleasing and not wanting to hurt people, to the point I felt crippled. I realized I had become passive by allowing people to trample over my feelings. I realized that I had unhealthy views of affection and I did not realize how vital it was to human life to merely touch another person. I realized that God allowed my sin to produce a blessing so that I could really see how I was not ready to love a husband. But thank God for a new day, change and progress.
The beautiful thing about God’s love is that He knows how all this will work out. He knew that this amazing little person would bring such joy to my life and like the Bible says in Ezekiel, God gave me a new heart of flesh. His little kisses and hugs have melted away that wall around my heart. He knew that my baby would make me cry tears of joy on a daily basis…that despite the storms that churn in my life, I would really have a reason to live! I want nothing more than to be the best version of myself so that my son can know what a Kingdom Woman is and that those characteristics are what he should one day look for in a wife. I want to be his shero and his biggest cheerleader besides God. Because of him, I pray differently. And now as I pray whether it is God’s will for me to ever marry, with each sermon or book I read, I genuinely pray that God changes me. Not just for a man, but because my son is watching me. And in realizing this, I am at peace with not being married yet. In my son, I am now aware of the mistakes I made and I am even more grateful to have the opportunity to get them right. God is giving me the chance to become the mate I desire to attract.
Thank you, God, for loving me so much to send me my blessing that has changed my life and me for the better.