If you’re getting this, its because I was told to share. Love you ❤.
We don’t consider our failures seeds, but I’d like to challenge that thought. The last few days I’ve been praying fervently for discernment for myself and my son. I’ve been praying that I would know who to allow him to be around and of course who not and for a greater level of discernment in myself across the board.
It then hit me to ask God some questions, specifically in regards to my failures in relationships. I had been praying asking what I did I do wrong and where was I falling short because I saw myself as the common denominator. Being a problem solver you tend to look for commonality and find the solution based on the common thread…in this case it was me. Over the last month or so, God has had me listening to books on marriage during the days since I was in school in the evenings and studying on the weekends. (one last paper to go!! YAY!!) Back last year I prayed that I would be prepared for marriage and motherhood and I definitely didn’t think the order would be reversed for that to come about. So as I pondered these questions, I sought to ask God for the answer and revelation so that I would be a better person even though I no longer believe marriage is for me.
So in my reluctant obedience, I have continued to listen to the books as He leads but I still had these lingering questions. I mean, it had to be something I was doing. I had to be making mistakes, not hearing Him clearly, putting something out there to attract men who did not want to commit to me. This line of thinking hurt deeply to accept because I know I had done the work. I allowed God to pour a forgiving spirit in my heart. I did whatever God said or led me to do, however unorthodox I believed it to be — I did a Calling in the One course that forced me to forgive again and ask for forgiveness. I began practicing gratefulness daily by acknowledging the things I am grateful for. I even went on dates, praying about the men I got involved with and cutting the ones off that God swiftly said no to. So what happened? Why did I meet one guy that I know was God ordained who never stepped up and why did the guy I decided to actually entertain after much prayer hurt me so badly? Why did God continue to tell me to respond in love? Why did He urge me to focus on eliminating bitterness from my heart? Why did He have me share all of this so publicly? This morning the answer came clearly to me, while I was in the shower of all places (I always hear God in the bathroom, nothing else to drown Him out I guess).
A couple of years ago, I had a friend whose house I visited one day to take a nap. I tossed and turned to get comfortable but God spoke to me and told me to not sleep but to instead anoint the house. So I did, praying that my friend and those that lived there would turn their lives over to God and be used by Him, casting any evil out that was blocking God’s moves in their lives. I thought nothing of it since then. I kept interceding in prayer for this friend over the years. Fast forward to now: that friend is contemplating marriage and one of their friends just got married.
God spoke to me this morning that what I’ve been doing is sowing seeds. Sowing love to people who have hurt me by praying even through my tears, sowing encouragement and faith, and sowing and sharing the truth despite my own pain. God even led me to write an email to other friends who are expecting, whose circumstances are far different from mine, but to just encourage them to look to their baby’s birth as the end goal. Sowing seeds. Even now, while I’m listening to these books on marriage, I try to share my knowledge or at least the books with friends that aspire to marriage because I realize my learning something isn’t always for me. It is for me to pray more effectively and speak that word of encouragement or wisdom when led. Last week I asked God the purpose of all the delays I have experienced in life. Why??? I had my life planned out!! When I was younger, I wanted to get married when I was 22-23 and to have kids around 25 and here I am almost 10 years later now not wanting that at all haha with a baby on the way! His response to me was to build my faith but for me in particular it was yet another way to sow seeds. When I have finally shared my testimony about things and the difficulties I faced, God has used it to encourage others. It is like a dandelion, when you blow the seeds they become more dandelions; me sharing my testimony blows seeds of faith to others to harvest for themselves in their own lives. Who immediately came to mind was the prophet Hosea who married a prostitute that kept going back to "the life" to symbolize how God kept taking Israel back and couldn’t stop loving them! (See the book of Hosea)
You may never think of your pain or anything you face as a seed, but it is. Shift your perspective today and give it back to God for His use. You never know how He will cause it to bloom.
***fyi books on marriage: The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller, The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler, and The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas***