Author: marquitabp

I turned into my building’s driveway and pulled up to the gate with no luck. I tried calling myself through the box and it didn’t ring. So I pulled around and thought to turn around. Then I saw it as my eyes focused. Directly in front of me was a beautiful, bright rainbow. In fact, it was a double rainbow with the second one more faint. Then I laughed because I knew it was God speaking to me and reaffirming His promises. I tried in the first picture to get the whole thing. Then I pulled across the street and got the second picture.

The song that played right before I unplugged my phone was Grace to Overcome by Bishop William Murphy. The part that played was this: "I didn’t just survive, but I’m better." I had just finished praying that God would help me have the right responses and attitudes in a specific situation before I turned into the driveway. I was praying about something extremely close to my heart… And just like that, despite the gate acting crazy, God reminded me of His promises and that I can trust Him. Despite life not being exactly how I want it, I more than survived the difficulties I’ve experienced. I am better because of it. Each day I’m better and stronger and wiser. Each day I know I can trust God to help me. God used a nuisance to redirect me and remind me of my truth.

I love rainbows because they remind me of Noah and God’s promises — the covenant — and likewise I am reminded of His promises to me. I’m reminded of everything He got me through and that He can do it again.

So to finish this off, I circled the block after taking the pictures and pulled back to the gate which didn’t work again on the first try. I prayed and then it opened. Today I’m reminded to not worry and to look back on the triumphs of yesterday that made me better today, despite the things that seek to get me to overlook that.

I keep hearing "write" in my head while I’m reading this book through laughs and tears. I don’t think I’ve ever cursed on my blog but darn it Spec (that’s the closest I can get haha)! lol Danielle 😜 This may be my most candid post ever.

Here’s a book review in the process of me reading Sorry for Your Loss: I really am laughing and crying! It’s making me acknowledge my feelings I suppressed all these years. To this day if someone calls me at 4 am I get scared because that’s when my mom called me when my dad began his last few days with us in the hospital. Those 5 days were the most challenging I have ever experienced in my life…I literally felt every emotion known to man. I’ll never forget seeing him take his last breath. I never outwardly was in denial, but I acted out in my own way.

My daddy’s death is what really made me not like people 😅. I cussed a lot of folks out in my head because I had to put on my church face for everybody. I had to be strong and step up, be Captain Save Everybody. People said the most stupid, obtuse, asinine things…including "family", acting like they had been around or cared…and I couldn’t say anything!!! That was the worst…my daddy’s death changed me and made me quiet, something I’ve never been.

I’m still mad my daddy isn’t here to know my son and should I ever get married, that he won’t walk me down the aisle (but God willing my granddaddy will). I’m mad I’m raising my son alone and my daddy isn’t here (although I’m extremely grateful for my granddaddy and my brothers). I’m still mad about the shoddy medical care he received as a veteran. And I was definitely angry with God…specifically at how He could call me into ministry but not heal my daddy and answer my prayers!!! God gave me a second chance at life but not my daddy!! I asked God why He let me live and not my daddy too!!! No answer…until my baby was born. I was jealous of people who had their dads…it felt like it was a hole in my heart. But I later came to understand he was tired, in pain and tired of hurting. I wished I had been a better daughter at times, understood what made him tick sooner…but I am grateful for the time we had and how close we got towards the end.

The irony is that to me, I’m very much like him, down to loving to dance (I dance ALL the time) and holding grudges🤣🤣🤣! God ain’t done with me y’all! LOL My immediate family and close friends know I don’t like many people (such a shame, just being honest though😝. I JUST let go of the fact one of my cousins told my favorite cousin about my daddy dying when it wasn’t her place and I wanted to do it!! But I digress. I’m grateful for this book because I recently prayed that God would bring back my happy memories from my childhood…and I see now the only way to relive the joy is to release the pain — all of it.

I have not read an entire book in one sitting in years but I know that was God’s doing…for me to truly start taking hold of the joy I have before me.

If you’ve ever lost someone you love dearly, this is a great book to read to laugh and cry…thank you Spec for helping me!! ❤️❤️❤️