Last week I finally burned my list of things I was releasing. I was so busy after I came back from Mexico/Atlanta (I had an amazing time at the Google Sandbox and got a Google watch too woot woot), that I never got around to it. Let me back up…you’re wondering what list right? So let me back up to the last 5 weeks.
On June 29, I began a course named "Calling In the One". Every book God brings across my path I pray about and read if He gives me release. One of the things I prayed about during my 40 day prayer challenge prior to my 30th was that I be prepared for marriage and motherhood, to be the best wife I can be to my husband and the best mother to my children. Part of that process was the 21 Days to Freedom I did concurrently…sharing a secret to shine the light on the darkness caused by my molestation and to release it. This course was the second part of that, rather the first part. I saw the book a few times before but this time I heard read this. It was about 2 weeks before my birthday. So I shared it with my friends that were praying with me and we began on the 29th.
Over the last 5 weeks, my life has truly changed. Part of it was identifying wounds I had merely covered with a bandage, things I had never truly given to God. Most of it seemed to be the culmination of the journey of surrender that began last year in May with a dream I had. And as only God can do, I’ve seen parts of that dream to manifest in the natural, as the reminder that everything I’m doing is God’s will.
So as I finally burned the list, I noticed several things:
1) It took a long time for the list to burn. I assumed that since it was still paper (albeit drawing paper), it would burn pretty quickly and I could get back to my car and leave. Wrong…and as that translates to life, sometimes, the monuments we create in life, the fortresses of anger and hurt we create are difficult to come down. It took time to get them there, so it takes time for them to come down.
2) I had to relight the paper several times. So, sometimes, you have to restart your healing and forgiveness/deliverance process. Sometimes you have to take a break, and work on only what you are capable of releasing at that moment in time. Give yourself time to heal in between the breakings. Give yourself time to process and understand why things happened or more importantly, to understand what lesson you can learn in hindsight.
3) Sometimes the wind will blow…and put the fire out. Recognize that life, and the enemy, will send obstacles your way to your healing and progression. Don’t let those obstacles stop you from getting your breakthrough.
4) After it was all said and done, the last word that remained was "SELF". I believe that it was part of selfishness, but I kept trying to burn that last word and in that I got a word. God clearly spoke to me that the hardest thing to surrender is self. How you see yourself, how you see you in relation to the things that happened to you…whether or not you acknowledge your wrongs and faults… The hardest thing for me to let go of what how I saw me. But I’m grateful that along with all the things and people I released, I released the old me. No longer is she here, but instead, I live and await the beauty of the things God promised me.
I am so grateful for letting go. In these last almost 6 weeks of being 30, I have released people, apologized to people, owned my truth and released deep rooted scars and wounds, realized that I can provide correction in love and still have my feelings acknowledged, learned that I don’t have to deny my feelings to protect others, and learned to just be free. There is no more shame…no more needing to appease people…no more needing to cover up or make accommodations for people. It’s a total place of healing to be honest with everyone in your life with no intention to hurt someone. I’ve also been able to see people in a different light, people I normally would have kept curbing. I’m grateful to be open to life as God wants me to live it. I’m free. In freedom, there is abundance. In freedom, there is healing. In freedom, there is love. Get free…let it burn.