And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,p neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
God has me going through very painful processes simultaneously…divulging the secrets that came about as a result of being molested, preparing me for one of my lifelong dreams and building me back up all in the same swoop. The secrets hurt because they remind me so much of being molested but more of the mistakes I made along the way…the poor choices I made…the people I allowed in my life and actually attempted to love because my mind was not right. How distorted my vision was…what I saw and how I saw. The lies I believed — admitting them is hard. But the restoration process is hard to because in acknowledging the lies, I must accept what God reveals as my new truth. I must embrace it as my new reality, the new lens that I should see life through. What’s even more amazing about all of this is that every book I have read and am reading all reinforces these ideals. As I sat here…I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that someone could love me that much…so much to fix me…to heal me once and for all…to move me leaps and bounds in such a short amount of time to prepare me for those things that lie ahead. I shouldn’t be surprised because I prayed for all of this, but it is still overwhelming nonetheless.
I must admit the devil still tries to attack me because why not! Hehe. Why not force me back into the shroud of secrecy and shame and back into poor decision-making, back into meaningless relationships…back to living beneath God’s plan and purposes for my life. Why not? He has tried to get me to regress back into worrying when God has pulled proverbial rabbits out of His bosom to make sure I had everything I needed and more. The enemy tried to overwhelm me with thinking about meaningless things like the opinions of others at my choosing to share my story. Being free and staying free is so valuable to me. I have decided I want to be like Harriet Tubman and free others from their mental prisons, be it a result of molestation or self-deception. As a truth seeker, light shiner, and wisdom imparter, I cannot stand by and do nothing…and again, all this makes me see how great God is and how much He loves me. I still used to cry incessantly about being molested just two and a half years ago. I used to cry about my relationship failures, wondering why I made the choices I did, questioning how I ended up being involved with people I normally wouldn’t have…but God freed me. And again, now, He’s finishing it, gutting me out and at the same time filling in the holes with His truth. This love God has for me…its very hard to accept because it’s causing me to feel pain and be comforted at the same time. All I can say to describe this is amazing. He is causing the wounded parts to die. He is clearing away the gangrene and the necrosis. Where the dead tissue was, He has now put a new heart, new cells…I’m laughing because I’ve said this daily.
What’s so crazy (crazy is the only word I can use to describe it) is that I made affirmations with scriptures to bring this about!!! God knew what I needed and He knew when I could handle it. Isn’t that amazing??? God only allows you to go through what you can handle at that moment. I could not handle this last year. I could not handle this at any point before now. Because He loves me, He made sure the timing was right…that I had grown enough to be able to handle it. Again, I’m overwhelmed. I’m sorry if this reads strange…but I don’t know what else to say…but thank you God. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for making sure that I was ready. Thank you God for positioning me to go through this now. Thank you for what’s ahead. Thank you for what is dead. Thank you for newness. Thank you for loving me.