You have broken down all his walls; You have brought his strongholds to ruin. Psalm 89:40
Growing up I climbed many a fence. Yes even in my college days, I tore one of my favorite shirts climbing a fence to go sing the Sweetheart Song with some of my sorority sisters (which I am heartbroken over not being with this weekend as we celebrate our Centennial at Convention). At any rate, the realizations I’ve had over the last few days make me realize how walls and fences can be both blessings and curses…in my case, a prison.
I have male friends…yep I do. I do believe there can be platonic relationships between men and women. I will admit though, some of them have liked me as more than a friend and the feeling was and is not mutual lol…some I have liked or dated in the past and I still keep in touch with because our relationship was able to overcome our past involvement. I see no harm right now, being that dating has taken a back seat in my life as I continue to chase my other dreams. However, I would be lying if I did not say that one of my heart’s desires (another dream) is to be married and become a mother someday. The reason that has had to sit in the freezer is that I wanted to devote my time, attention, and passions to juggling full-time work and part-time, demanding, life-changing law school studies. It took so much of a back seat that I began to attract a certain caliber of males I’m not used to attracting. These men would be successful and accomplished, or young and trying to get there but with the critical flaw of desiring everything and nothing at the same time–no true commitment. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think all attractions by men are on the soulish and spirit level, on the contrary, men being visual in nature, go after what they like when they see it. However, some of these guys sought me out themselves…and after having a few uninteresting conversations with me, divulge their desire to not be in a serious relationship for whatever reason–distance, not being ready, commitment and trust issues–and end up wasting both my time and their own.
But I realized Monday after one of those guys sent me a less than appealing text message (another thing I’m not too fond of, having full blown detailed conversations via text message when you miss out on the tone, expression and pauses of being face to face or over the phone, sigh, woosah…but maybe I should start a blog on my dating pet peeves lol) that there was something wrong with me, there was something I was doing to draw these types of ‘noncommittal’ people into my space and my life experience. I asked God to show me what it was I was doing–or not doing–to cause this conundrum upon myself. And of course, God is faithful. He showed me that it was in my words–things I actually was saying out of my own mouth–and that as a result, I had put up a wall. I had been double-minded, saying I want to get married and have some kids, but then in the next breath reiterating my lack of a desire to date right now.
Walls are funny like that. Good walls block out all the sound from the surrounding rooms and the outside. Good walls prohibit the unwanted entry of opposing light and people. Good walls separate you from whatever lies outside of them. Good walls imprison you. Good walls keep the new out and the old in. Much like fences…and solitary confinement.
The even funnier thing about walls that God reminded me of this morning…from the time I decided to embark on forgiving others…is that walls keep everything out. Even God. Even love.
In my case, I felt I could not have both. And honestly, my denial of all relationships was a blessing in my first year of law school. My refusal to connect with anyone of the opposite sex other than surface-level (unless I already knew him) helped me. I was able to juggle work and school effectively and learn what I needed to do to be successful, and I went on to pull up my lackluster first semester GPA and class rank to keep my grant (yay, go me!). But see this was deeper than that. It connected to my need to control–I thought I could control some aspect of my life lol. It connected to the fact that I felt I was undeserving of anyone to love me because of bad past relationships, that I had done something to deserve the pain I received at someone else’s hands–even my own family. This even connected to my always doing what people thought was practical or the better choice–taking the credit-earning French class instead of following my heart and taking dance in middle school after making the cut, working a part-time job and two during high school instead of sticking it out as a flag girl/dancer and staying on the track team, or even going full steam ahead to college instead of pursuing an art career when those are things that I wanted to do. It connected to the fact that I too had commitment issues, caused by these things. This was even manifested in my random desire to chop all of my hair off yesterday (albeit a flyyyyy hair cut) lol after I had promised God I would no longer cut my hair and have since been growing it out for the last year and a half. It went even deeper to the fact that when people told me that I couldn’t do something, I would go to great lengths to master that thing (so I could prove them wrong) and after mastering it, I would quit and go on to whatever was next for me to conquer. It connected to the fact that I had put time limits, stipulations, and guidelines on things…like I had to graduate college, get engaged, get married and have kids by 25 (DEFINITELY didn’t happen–well if you count my goddaughter, I did have a baby ). And even now, I felt that I had to go to law school and finish, start my career before I seriously began dating anyone. The irony of this is that I had a conversation via text (grrr ugh gasp and die lol!!!) with one of those guys that had approached me about this very thing–removing time limits and being open to whatever God allows. It connected to my own need to be open-minded. Most importantly it revealed to me yet another area I had not totally submitted to God. The beauty of the last 12 months is that I’ve become this WHY? Marquita. I ask myself why I am doing a particular thing, I ask God to show me the root and then I take that thing to God for Him to fix it. This was a direct product of me not following my heart–following God’s voice–and sacrificing me to do what other people thought was best. I’m realizing right now that this connected to my need to people-please instead of pleasing God by using the gifts He gave me and fulfilling those passions in my heart.
Because of where I am in life, I proudly confess daily who I am, and I am so far from noncommittal its ridiculous. I am not who the world says I am, but who I see myself to be. And I see myself as many things. I will be a wife and mother someday (not tomorrow smile, y’all will be the first to know outside of my family :D) because I already confess that I am. I will be a judge because I boldly make the confession that I am one already. I am many things now because I’ve said it…but this time what makes it different is that I no longer limit God and His ability to make my dreams my reality. I’ve been tearing down walls for a few years now and I cannot trade who I am becoming for who I was. I encourage you today to examine yourself and see why things in your life are going awry…I guarantee it is because you’ve spoken it over yourself–acquiescing to family curses and what your mom and dad or grandma said you would be–and you have not fully submitted to God…so I hope this blesses you and empowers you to submit that thing to God–well your whole life to Him! Speak life…speak to your dreams…speak to your reality and let God show you what you can have, be, and do in this life. Its not too late to go back to school, to meet the man or woman of your dreams; its not too late on a relationship that you felt could have been ‘the one’–IF that’s God’s will for you, or to get out of debt, or to a better, purpose-centered, focused and driven life. Stop saying I can’t and I won’t and let God use you. Let God manifest His love for the world through you by release fear and speaking love. Be love. Just Be.
I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13