The Master of Confusion
"For God is not [the author] of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints." 1 Corinthians 14:33 KJV
A little over two months have passed since I have had this fog around me. It was the day I found out I did not get the scholarship I applied for. Around lunchtime, I had finally crossed off my list the long-postponed (and quite frankly, procrastinated) meeting with my pastor and began to take steps towards embracing and acknowledging my calling. This has been a journey for me since I first acknowledged it, and it has been full of naysayers and opinion-givers. I know I am not perfect and I thank God for His hand being on me, molding and scolding me. But as far as the scholarship was concerned, it was my second time applying to this program, and I just knew I would get it this time. I had an amazing (or at least me, my proofreaders, and friends so thought) essay submission, and it seemed like God had opened every door for me to get it…including extending the submission deadline after I missed the original one. I just knew I would soon be relocating back to Atlanta and going to Emory in the fall for seminary. I had no doubts at all that I would get a job offer and that all would fall into place after that. I had made a mental note to call the school to find out when they would be notifying students. Then shortly after that, the same day actually, I got the email and my heart sank. "Although we loved your essay on The Alchemist,…" and the rest is history.
Then immediately after that, the enemy had those close to me and not so close to me to throw all kinds of monkey wrenches and kinks in my machine. Between conflicting advice and guidance to flat out lies, he had every kind of attack thrown at me. And needless to say, for the last two months, I have been in a whirlwind fog about it. I have felt confused, distressed, uncertain, oblivious, and flabbergasted about what steps to take ahead in my life. For once in my life, I, Marquita that has everything seemingly under control, realized I had no plan, no goals, and no clear strategy for what I wanted to do with my life. I will tell you, I have been trying to move somewhere away from South Carolina since 2008 (smile) with no avail. Every significant event that has happened since I moved here has added fuel to my moving fire…and then about three weeks ago I realized maybe I am not supposed to move yet, maybe not ever. And of course it is always when God has me speak into someone's life that I get the revelations I need…because no message I have ever given to someone else has not been applicable to that exact situation in my life…go figure. My heart was crushed, and it served to bring on yet even more confusion. I had to accept it, but it did not clear the fog.
I accepted that cold, harsh fact only yesterday after talking to my mothers here at work that maybe I am not supposed to move yet. There is a such thing as unfinished business and I have not known God to leave things undone…no where in the Bible has He done that, nor in my life thus far. I have left things undone, and quit on things that I thought served no benefit to me, and I wish I could say I did not have regrets about them. And yet this confusion has persisted…why you say? Because the enemy tries to do everything he can to get us off our God-appointed paths onto those side streets. He does not want us to fulfill our destinies or to walk into that greatness in which we are all called. Why?? Because to do so, draws us closer to God in ways we cannot fathom and gives us that sense of peace and fulfillment material things, people, and we ourselves fail to do each time. It is easier to tempt us with the promise of temporary satisfaction time and time again to keep us lost or in my case, trapped momentarily, in the mist. Because what happens when we resist his attempts and cling to God?? In essence, he loses and we win! James 4:7 says "Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." That clearly says loser to me…
So I've been praying persistently, fervently, with constant petition to God about all the things on my heart and ironically enough…I am seeing, hearing and realizing the answers. And now I clearly understand, that sometimes you just will not understand how God is working. I had to simply lay my heartfelt feelings out before God. Life is definitely not going according to my original plan…but I thank God for His plan, and how He always, always has a plan to reel me back onto the path that lies ahead. Now I won't say that I will not fall victim to confusion again, or rather more aptly applied, a persisting diarrhea of thoughts, but I will be more prayerful and seek God's voice until I know without a doubt that it is His voice that I hear. I will keep on knocking and calling God until I know the path by heart.
"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me;" John 10:27 NASB