Time to Get Stitched Up
"He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3 NASB
This has really become my lunch hour past time. And who needs the words I write more than me! Today is the day(not date) a year ago that my family had to tell my daddy goodbye. He fought down to the last minute, 9:45pm to be exact and he made sure to give my mom one last kiss with all of his energy and strength fleeing his body. I am so hurt again because my mind has relived each day since Thursday because my daddy's final battle spanned four days. He outlived most people with his type of cancer, and I know I am glad that he is no longer suffering.
But my heart hurts, because I guess I'm my daddy's only daughter and his first born. I have had to shoulder a lot this past year and my daddy was the icing to that cake. I am grateful to God that I did have a chance to really get to know him before he left us. And I know now that it is time for me to let God comfort me. I spent so much time right after being angry and "imploding" that I did not really allow myself to grieve. And I've learned that grieving is not an overnight process so its okay.
But as I talked with my mom today, she said the same thing, her heart was broken because he was gone. And I felt it was all the more important to write on getting fixed up.
Okay in the scripture above, the Psalmist tells us that God heals the broken in heart right? But that can only happen after you have turned the problem, and your heart over to God to be fixed. If you are "self-medicating" the situation with destructive behaviors or trying to simply fix yourself, you are not looking through clear eyes. You cannot fix yourself, why you say? Because as imperfect beings inclined to a sinful nature, we will gravitate towards whatever the flesh wants to make itself feel better. From personal experience, after losing my cousin, then a painful relationship, and finally my dad, I could not feel. So I shut down and shut everyone out–including God. I think it was only because I prayed and cried out to God everyday that I knew my method was not working and I was still angry. I spent nearly two months in the dark because I refused to let anyone in my safety zone. And the people I turned to initially thought that getting my mind off my dad would help–wrong! I wanted to embrace the memories I had and share them with somebody. So the only person I could turn to was God. So how do you get stitched up? By letting go. You cannot hold on to all of your hurt and simply put a bandage over them because they will not ever heal. Its like a scrape that you keep peeling the scab off of (I hated scabs as a little girl so I always picked at them smh)…you keep reopening the wound and it never heals. Or even worse, a wound that has not healed properly…you will have to open it back up whether you like it or not and let it heal right.
What you should know is that no thing or person can heal your heart for you. You must surrender whatever it is to God and let Him bring a perfect work in you to pass. I'm speaking from experience. I went to counseling after my dad died, and for a little while I was doing much better, but then I would be worse than when I went. It was not until I got on my knees and cried out to God to fix me that I finally started feeling the ache go away. The hurt I feel now is nothing like it was before. Its bittersweet–sad that he is gone, but glad that he is not suffering anymore. Honored that God chose to have him as my dad, and overjoyed that he is with Jesus now.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 NLT