Author: marquitabp

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago on Easter and I thought I hit send. ARGH. But the words here are still worth sharing.

Some things I felt led to share:

God has really been driving home the significance of His viewpoint of time – kairos – and it’s distinction from the human viewpoint of time – chronos. From Sunday’s sermon at church, what resonated with me was the fact that God operates in moments, not minutes, unlike us. According to Tony Evans’ book Watch Your Mouth, in God yesterday and tomorrow as we see it are not the same; rather they are only today or now, the present (my paraphrase). To me this would explain why when He said let there be light, that stars are still being created in the universe as we know it today. To God it has already happened but for us it is still happening and will continue to happen. Which led me to this:

1. You can only heal the wounds you know you have or are aware of in God’s set time. Said differently, you can’t heal a wound you don’t know you have. In our society we normalize the suppression of pain by telling people to get over things or overlook wrongs without validating their feelings. I honestly believe it’s an improper view of forgiveness to urge a person to move on without walking out the steps of grieving on the perceived wrong’s affect on you. This is also why some people get stuck in acknowledging, i.e., that person hurt me, and then become victims in perpetuity, using every opportunity to bring that situation up and to be inwardly focused. This has other detrimental effects on relationships because that person will possibly unknowingly minimize the suffering of others to maximize their own or make everything about them.

2. Knowing that God is supreme and operates outside the space/time continuum that we live within, if God promised you something and He told you it’s yours, that thing exists. This is also why there is no lack, because everything that is to come already exists. The healing you need, already exists, if we accept Jesus’ act as the conduit for our healing. Of course if you’re broke right now then this may not mean a hill of beans to you, but I recognize now that God wants us to shift how we see time to 1) better steward what we have and make better choices (Godly choices, inspired by divine wisdom) and 2) to not be victims of impatience…Which causes us to worry and doubt God and His ability to provide and can also cause us to rush ahead of God and make even worse choices.

3. All of this is why I heard heavily in prayer to seek God for the right now word. Because God operates outside our timetable, in order for you to be in sync with God you must be seeking God moment by moment to know what His will is for that exact moment. If I’m honest with myself, I wish I was more aware of the freedom that rests in being in His will and timing than desiring my own.

I see why it wasn’t my time to be married…I still have a lot of brokenness from things I endured and God is answering my prayer to be healed so I won’t project that onto my husband and children. Fortunately I also pray daily to be the mother my son needs so I am beyond grateful for the course corrections.

I don’t know when I’ll ever finish law school.

There. I said it. I can’t believe I’m saying that but it’s true. I found myself wondering that the last few mornings as I have seen people I started law school with at the second school finishing ahead of me. I’m on my third school and finally halfway done…again. I asked God if I really heard Him back in 2011, when I first decided to follow the word in my heart. And again now, after transferring twice and 24 credit hours lost, I really don’t know when I’ll finish. Don’t get me wrong, I have a promising career as a software developer that I’ve been fighting the odds against for the last 9 years. So I should be grateful and content there, if for no other reason than my great salary. This is coming from the person who didn’t let a life-changing diagnosis stop me from graduating with my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees on time after having to drop a couple of classes the second semester of my junior year and having previously changed my major at the beginning of my sophomore year. So I’ve fought to be where I am. And yet still, I don’t know when I’ll finish nor do I know what I’ll ultimately do…I also feel this way about my ministry calling too. Seeing all the others I know graduate, especially after me, sparked a tinge of anger and frustration at the things that lie incomplete or in limbo in my life. So of course the natural thing to do is to ask God why, because it seems to go against who I am as a person.

But I know why. Because I had always been a person that finished everything I started on time, at least on my time table. The word obstacle wasn’t even in my vocabulary. Nothing and no one could stop me… That is until I prayed for God’s will to be done in my life. Because of that I know this is a test for me to trust God and to have peace in the wait.

I remember after my transplant I told God that I would do whatever He asked of me. It was then that He reminded me of the word He spoke to me in college…my freshman year, crying in my dorm room. I heard just one word, "Preach". Since that point I’ve gone through very painful situations that have fine-tuned my ear to hear God’s voice about my life and for what He wants me to share with others.

There are so many things I want… Namely to finish law school and now to give my son the best life possible, and all of that demands I trust God. But after listening to a sermon series on Detours and the book Detours by Tony Evans, and God’s repeatedly showing me butterflies, I acknowledge that I must have peace in the delays and completely submit to God’s timing and process. From the butterflies, I realize everything has a process and a set time… See Ecclesiastes 3. I know God used all the situations I have faced to teach me total dependence on Him, among other things. The situations have taught me to let go of the need to control and have demanded I walk in forgiveness towards others in order for the communion and oneness I want with God to exist.

But I would be lying if I didn’t say it was hard. It is hard to go against who you are to surrender. It is hard to surrender the dreams and plans to God and let Him do the heavy lifting. Sometimes God has been quiet and sometimes the situations have been downright unfair. You may be thinking, how can you be okay with knowing God allowed or orchestrated the current series of events in your life? Honestly for me there is no other option. My mistakes have cost me too much. I don’t have the heart for anymore setbacks. So I’ll wait, and rest, and trust that everything will…I mean it must, work out for my good.

So now I’ll keep praying for peace here and that I learn all God seeks to teach me here and going forward. Because while I have peace now, I definitely want to get "there," wherever "there" is.