Author: marquitabp

To know me is to accept me, and to love me is to help me.
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Renewal, Rebirth, Refill, Restoration

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24 NIV

I don’t know about where you live, but down here, Spring is coming. From the blasted pollen polyps to the birds chirping and the resurgence of the bug population, Spring is near. I know I don’t sound too enthused, but I really am. Even my body is evidencing the impending change, hands are peeling and I’m working out hahaha. Spring represents a renewal, a rebirth, and starting over. Is there something you need to start over at? Is there a part of your life that needs to be reborn? Do you need a rebirth? Are you in need of renewal?

I know I needed to start over at some things this year, primarily taking time for myself in light of all the responsibilities I have and also re-positioning my life so that God would be first. I was so weary and tired and overwhelmed with work and school…and I hadn’t had any ‘Marquita’ time in a very long time. Yeah, I’ve been working out and reading on occasion, but I had not just let loose. I had been suppressing my old self, things I had been taught to think were not appropriate or acceptable. I had even questioned why I was here in school, because everything about me was in disarray.

So I did not realize, until today, almost a week since I began this devotion originally, that I was in need of renewal. In every area of my life, I was tired. I was not feeling rested after sleeping, but then again I wasn’t getting enough sleep…I was burned out from pouring out so much at school and work and in everything. I have been praying for balance since the beginning of the year and it seemed to not come. More and more of my time school demanded, then incorporating regular workouts…writing…teaching…it has just been tough! So as my 2nd fast rolled around on last Thursday, so one of the things I prayed for was balance. So God decided to show me how to get that. I planned for Saturday to be my "Love Me" day, including a mani-pedi and shopping among other things. I had ‘planned’ to work out Saturday morning and wash and detangle my hair…but something else became pressed on my heart to do. For the last few years, I have given up something for Lent and engaged in reading daily Lenten readings. In my seeking to get everything done, those readings have been pretty much put on the back burner. So I was behind by almost a week and a half. So Saturday morning, at 8am when I woke up, I refused to get out of the bed until I had gotten myself caught up. Then, God began speaking through and about the devotions, and I texted my friend and sent some emails of what I was getting. You see, in the hustle and bustle of going, going, going, I had been drained mentally, physically, and spiritually. I was pouring out all I had, and had not allowed God to refill me.

It wasn’t until today after both church and the sermon tonight at Revival that I finally understood why things were off. God was not first, so therefore I was not going to Him first thing in the morning to unload and and last thing at night to unload like I should. God was someone I squeezed in here and there, although it was a lot and I talked to Him pretty regularly, but He was not first. I had relegated hearing from Him to bathroom visits, showers, and solo car rides with the occasional daily interlude. I had missed church several times, and just being too tired to get up and go was my primary excuse. Even today, after church, I took a nap and for the first time woke up totally refreshed. I realized I was missing the renewal, missing that communion with God, missing out on the rest He has provided me time and time again.

Like Spring, the necessities for rebirth, renewal, restoration, and refilling all remind us that we must take a step back and refocus on who is (and should be) most important in our lives, God then ourselves. Being reborn–our acceptance of Christ’s death–restores us and reconnects us to God. Christ’s death tore the veil and allows us to come boldly before the throne, to come humbly to the altar, and speak to Him for ourselves. Being renewed–the renewing of our minds–allows us to press the reset button on everything, like, washing a chalkboard clean for the next day’s use (I guess I am showing my age now lol). Being restored gives us back everything we have lost. I lost myself and was beginning to lose my mind behind school and being depressed about missing home and friends and family…but I had to recenter myself. There is a reason for my being here and I do not want to leave until that for which I was sent has been completed. Lastly being refilled gives us a fresh view to look at things from and replenishes the tank, much like eating gives us energy for our bodies to run.

I am refilled, for now, after having gone to two services lol, fasting and catching up on devotions, and much prayer…but the interesting fact about being refilled is that this, and all of these, are continual works. When we have been refilled, we are to go out and pour out on others; it’s like when we refill a car so that we can keep driving. Encourage your friends and family, minister to them by listening or sharing a Word that got you through a similar situation–use your gifts. Then go back to the Father daily and be refilled. Daily renew your mind(Romans 12:2)–because unlike our spirits that were saved instantly after accepting Christ, our minds and bodies have to undo all those years of thinking without God–of being conformed to the world–and this requires daily submission of all our needs to God. We are to be reborn daily–because we, like Paul (1 Corinthians 15:31), are to die daily to the desires of our hearts and flesh that are out of line with God’s will. It is after we are renewed and reborn that God can restore our souls to Himself–because we are no longer separated from Him by our thoughts and fleshly desires.

So if you are feeling like I was feeling…tired, weak, and drained, maybe you are due for a refill and a spiritual tune-up. Go to the altar, leave your burdens at God’s feet, renew your mind by feasting on the word, and allow God to restore you because it’s better than going to the doctor! Be blessed and yay let’s welcome in the Spring–AFTER the pollen that is.

Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self. You are being renewed in knowledge according to the image of your Creator. Colossians 3:9-10 HCSB

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As You Love Yourself

He answered: "’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’" Luke 10:27 NIV

I have been thinking about this since before I went to bed last night. I have been thinking of how to share this…whether to do an Instagram post or break my Lent fast from Facebook because it seemed so important to share, or whether to simply share it with my girlfriends as I have been doing the last few days. For preservation of anonymity, I decided to do what I do best..write.

After bible study, I had a conversation with a friend that turned to the topic of my singleness. He asked, why don’t I have a boyfriend? My reply was the truth, in that I wanted to detox, release all the baggage of relationships past, release all of the things that have happened to me over the years, be the best me I could be, and do what God asked me to do, but do it for myself. I admitted I wanted to be in a relationship, loved being in one, but I wasn’t ready for it. As I got off the video, I realized that this was something much more than that. Back in 2009 after my transplant, one of the things I asked of God was that He teach me to love others the way He loved me and to love myself that way too. So as He spoke to my heart last night and reminded me of that, I realized that I was loving myself the way God wanted me to love myself by choosing to remain single and celibate until I meet my husband. I was loving myself so that I could love my neighbors as myself. Let’s be real, how can you love other people if you don’t love yourself?

I tried writing this last night before I went to sleep…but delirium and tiredness hit me heavy. As I woke up with this on my mind, it kept coming back to me that it would have been impossible for me to fully love someone, my future husband for example, if I continued to carry around all of the filth and garbage from the past. I realized that I could not give God or him all of me in holding on to what BoBo did to me or mistakes I made. I realized I could not love Marquita and thus I could not love others being who I used to be. Yesterday, I shared with Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and undoubtedly the world how I woke up feeling beautiful. I never in my life experienced that feeling…and I didn’t have on any makeup or lip gloss…just a smile and my clothes that are almost two sizes too big in some areas lol. I realized that of all of the things I have gone through in the last 8 months of this Esther purification process (reply if you’d like more details in how God has been transforming me), the greatest lesson has been in loving myself. The products of this journey so far include knowing my worth, being able to be brutally honest with myself about the mistakes I have made, listening to and learning from others, and just embracing me for everything that includes…in essence, loving me.

I think of this scripture and it dawned on me how it is apparent that there is a lack of love in the world, and that the enemy’s attempts at perverting everything God has created are in actuality, working–but I digress because God already has the glory from this. Hate is apparent in every area of our lives, from global interactions to day-to-day driving experiences. People are isolated and cut off from real interactions with others, they flip people off when driving, or in my case, threaten to ride around with a bucket of rocks to beam at people every time they do something I don’t like on the road, lol. But this is not how God intended us to be. I have learned that it is in loving God–submitting, being obedient, and trusting Him, having faith in every single thing He says–that I learned to love me. The things I have done have been unorthodox, even strange (but hey God is extraordinary, if Naaman dipped seven times in the dirty Jordan and was healed of leprosy…then my celibacy and singleness are mere tasks for the greater glory He will soon reveal).

You cannot love yourself walking around in shame. You cannot love yourself walking around dragging generational curses (which, YOU have the authority to condemn and break, Isa 54:17) or by allowing yourself to be oppressed by demonic influences (let’s be real…lust, perversion, whoredoms, addictions, depression, and bondage define the world we live in…and it was only after being delivered from it that I recognized its hold on me, but more about that to come soon). You cannot love yourself ignoring the truth. The truth is, it has been in my obedience and willingness to trust God that I have learned so much. I have lost so much ‘weight’ both literally and spiritually, because I got fed up with not loving myself and going back to why this and why that, why isn’t my life going the way I want it to go. It all started because I loved someone else so much that I wanted to forgive and be a better woman… But there was a greater gift in store for me, because this journey has been so beautiful–I finally love who I see everyday looking back at me, unconditionally. This journey has opened my eyes to seeing the beauty in others, and also in being loving to others even when the old me could give two…craps about even speaking to people. The greatest commandments–to love God and to love others as ourselves–can change the world if practiced. It is my hope that in my sharing this process, and eventually the whole of it with you all, that you will go against the norm, against society’s demands of assimilation, and be the agent of change in your sphere of influence. I am sure your journey to true self-love–how can you love yourself if you don’t love God–and love of others will be different from my own…but stop resisting it and just be! Love your neighbors as you love yourself…love yourself today!

"I give you a new command: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another." John 13:34 HCSB